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Big lazy bear.

Big lazy bear.

For some, there is nothing that can turn a day sour faster than an itch. One particular itch, placed so precisely out of your reach. There is a drop zone in the middle of your back that will vary from person to person based upon many factors (height, weight, flexibility, knowledge of the 50 state capitals). The simple fact of the matter is, try all you like and your autonomy is thrown in your face. You are forced to seek outside help to alleviate the nagging itch on your back.

How long do you struggle with it before you realize it is beyond your reach? Will you actually spend the time? I could imagine some people who get that itch on their back and then try to stretch out their shoulder because maybe that will help. What would impress me is anyone who actually has a rigorous daily calisthenics program that is designed to allow access to this trouble zone on your back. Maybe I could develop that... Imagine sales from the VHS tapes alone... Uhhhh Pantent pending!

Sit and reflect for a moment. Just how many inanimate objects have you employed for thwarting that itch? Oh my...how many animate objects?! If you have ever been standing at the aquarium and thought that Goldy was just long enough to reach the itch, you are a sick individual. But seriously, pens, pencils, a ruler maybe, car keys, careful with the scissors, we have all done it. And many of you, I am sure, have tried what I have found to be the single most effective method. The door frame.

That's right. The door frame. You stand up, stand in the doorway and rub yourself against the door frame. No, turn around. Yes, like that (sicko). Nothing. I repeat. Nothing works as well as the door frame. They make back scratchers, which are nice, don't get me wrong. I find they are more therapeutic in a massage capacity than they are good for the back itch; at least when compared to the door frame.

Stand there, in all your glory, and rub your back against the corner. You look like a bear doing the same against a tree. A big lazy bear. You think he's doing that because he is a lesser being? Or because his short stubby arms won't reach? Don't give me that elitist science crap. He does it because it is EFFECTIVE.

Strike a pose!Many studies have been conducted throughout the bear community on various other methods, but at the end of the day the tree always has the best results. I recommend a door frame as opposed to a tree, as they are more readily available in most places. Except at Christmas time. But be very careful of the ornaments, some of them hurt. And "But I had an itch" is not the best excuse for why you stepped on your sister's present from Auntie Phyllis.

I think I am even going to start using the door frame as my solution to most if not all itch problems. It might look a little awkward when I am standing half in and half out of my office trying to satisfy the itch on the bottom of my foot, but I expect most people already take my actions with a grain of salt.

Comments, Pingbacks:

I've seen this same technique used to relieve pressure from sore back muscles.

If I've got an itch on my back I can't reach, I ask someone else to scratch it. Although, I can pretty much reach every inch of my back.
PermalinkPermalink 09/01/05 @ 18:09

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