Disturbed? Maybe.

September 15th, 2005

Wil and Katie came over the other night for "movie night" and we, after a simple process of elimination, decided upon Requiem For A Dream. Great movie, don't get me wrong. I have seen it multiple times, and though it will never be easy to accept the events of the movie as real, they don't bother me anymore. Or at least I thought not.

I slept through the night well enough, the only sign that something was a bit...off, was the song in my head as I awoke. If you remember, this is not the first time I have considered my own sanity based upon early morning song choice. This time was only slightly different. Instead of Mark Hamill singing Luke Be A Jedi Tonight, it was Baloo from Jungle Book doing his rendition of "The Bare Necessities".

Granted I do not know the words to this song beyond "It's the...bare...necessities...". How one could wake up with a song in their head though only knowing 4.5 words is beyond me.

The more I have thought about it though, those words alone relate rather well two fold to "Requiem". Either in the approach that Requiem shows the horrors of drug use and you should avoid them and stick to the Bare Necessities, or in that for junkies being able to "push off" is the Bare Necessity. Makes you think. Or well, makes me think.

Don't tell me you have never (over)analyzed anything!

That's a load off my mind.

September 14th, 2005

Well, I should be able to sleep easier. It is something I have not done well for about as long as I can remember; sleep that is. Maybe what was bothering me is now less heavy on my mind.

Why am I perpetually single? Here I thought I had commitment issues. Turns out I was way off. In fact, it is much much worse; though the two are somewhat related.

What have been nagging at the back of my mind are...are you ready?
... Minivans.

Minivans have a reputation for poor maneuverability and performance in comparison with other types of vehicles. They are also the vehicle of choice for large suburban families. Minivans have been mocked for those attributes by the media. -Wikipedia

I am 24 years old. I can't drive a minivan yet! I understand that not everyone, when they have children, opts for the minivan as mode of transportation, but what if I do?

Many might tell me that I am over-reacting, but have you ever sat down and thought about it? I know some grown men with families, SUV men, roomy sedan men, when in fact they are now minivan men. Not only will I never forget the look on one family friend's face as he was legitimately excited about hearing something about a new feature in sliding side door technology, but I believe it is burned into my retinas.

Ok, so minivans aren't for everyone. Not all families need them, not all men grow up to own and drive them. I am certain that there is a particular pedigree of males who will at some point in their life become excited by the latest and greatest features available in a minivan. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't need me to tell you that, car companies wouldn't manufacture them if they weren't able to sell them.

The question becomes What if I fit the profile? What if it is in my DNA, my very genetic fibers, that I am going to drive a minivan when I have children? It must be considered a huge milestone in one man's life when he finally thinks having a minivan of his very own is a good idea. It is THAT to which I cannot commit.

"A mini-van is not the car of a warrior." - Marysia (A/K/A "some random site thanks to Google.") You hear that? Not the car of a warrior. You got that right! How can I drive a car not fit for a warrior? Ok maybe, just maybe, I am reaching a little bit with the warrior thing.

Anyway, I am glad that I was able to locate the source of my fear. I believe I have had my closure and am now able to move forward. The journey will be an arduous one, there is no doubt of that. I will take it one day at a time. The important thing is that I have the support of family and friends, right?

What's that? Neither family nor friends support me in my plight against the minivan?

Maybe I am doomed...

Avenue Q

September 12th, 2005

Avenue QAvenue Q is the hit show that received seemingly endless praise on Broadway and is now playing on the Broadway Theatre at Wynn Las Vegas in...Las Vegas.

Not an easy show to describe, but the best way apparently is as a "grown up Sesame Street". A small cast of very talented puppeteers play the host of characters that live on Avenue Q. The characters come to Avenue Q ready to meet the challenges of the real world head on, but learn quickly that life is harder than they anticipated.

Seeing a puppet struggle to find his way in New York City, facing issues such as unemployment, one night stands, racism, relationships (both homosexual and heterosexual), even internet pornography, is not something I had ever expected. Ask me before we started planning this trip to Las Vegas if I thought I would ever see two puppets have sex live on stage...well we were in Vegas.

Kudos to the creators of Avenue Q for giving us such a treat. The show was very good; high energy and very funny. If you are looking for a show that is a little less ordinary, try a different Avenue. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

I can hold it...

September 2nd, 2005

When you see people running in the hallway, let's face it, they are almost positively running to the restroom. Where else could they be heading in the middle of the afternoon (or morning)? I understand that if it were maybe, say, noon or thereabouts, maybe they are running to catch their ride to lunch. However, most of the time I would wager that this person was just too caught up in their day to day responsibilities to make it to the restroom in a reasonably timely fashion.

So now here they are, running towards the restroom with nothing between them and pay dirt but YOU. You cannot tell me that you have never once thought about striking up a conversation with this person. Subject matter at this point is irrelevant. Play it off as if you did not notice the pace by which they were covering distance in the hall. I am sure you would find at least one person that might find it rude to shrug you off in light of a more pressing engagement, right?

But I guess at this point the more meaningless the conversation the better. Small talk would work best. If you tried to catch them on what the latest sales figures were or what budget projections would be for the third quarter of 2014 I think the humor would be lost. Idle chit chat is by far the Privatjokr endorsed method for trying to stop someone dead in their tracks as they hightail it for a pit stop.

I just hope this is not in any way related to Haley's comet. How can I try this out if I don't see someone running to the restroom again for another 75 years?

You know you've done it.

Big lazy bear.

September 1st, 2005

For some, there is nothing that can turn a day sour faster than an itch. One particular itch, placed so precisely out of your reach. There is a drop zone in the middle of your back that will vary from person to person based upon many factors (height, weight, flexibility, knowledge of the 50 state capitals). The simple fact of the matter is, try all you like and your autonomy is thrown in your face. You are forced to seek outside help to alleviate the nagging itch on your back.

How long do you struggle with it before you realize it is beyond your reach? Will you actually spend the time? I could imagine some people who get that itch on their back and then try to stretch out their shoulder because maybe that will help. What would impress me is anyone who actually has a rigorous daily calisthenics program that is designed to allow access to this trouble zone on your back. Maybe I could develop that... Imagine sales from the VHS tapes alone... Uhhhh Pantent pending!

Sit and reflect for a moment. Just how many inanimate objects have you employed for thwarting that itch? Oh my...how many animate objects?! If you have ever been standing at the aquarium and thought that Goldy was just long enough to reach the itch, you are a sick individual. But seriously, pens, pencils, a ruler maybe, car keys, careful with the scissors, we have all done it. And many of you, I am sure, have tried what I have found to be the single most effective method. The door frame.

That's right. The door frame. You stand up, stand in the doorway and rub yourself against the door frame. No, turn around. Yes, like that (sicko). Nothing. I repeat. Nothing works as well as the door frame. They make back scratchers, which are nice, don't get me wrong. I find they are more therapeutic in a massage capacity than they are good for the back itch; at least when compared to the door frame.

Stand there, in all your glory, and rub your back against the corner. You look like a bear doing the same against a tree. A big lazy bear. You think he's doing that because he is a lesser being? Or because his short stubby arms won't reach? Don't give me that elitist science crap. He does it because it is EFFECTIVE.

Strike a pose!Many studies have been conducted throughout the bear community on various other methods, but at the end of the day the tree always has the best results. I recommend a door frame as opposed to a tree, as they are more readily available in most places. Except at Christmas time. But be very careful of the ornaments, some of them hurt. And "But I had an itch" is not the best excuse for why you stepped on your sister's present from Auntie Phyllis.

I think I am even going to start using the door frame as my solution to most if not all itch problems. It might look a little awkward when I am standing half in and half out of my office trying to satisfy the itch on the bottom of my foot, but I expect most people already take my actions with a grain of salt.

Fantasy Football 2005

August 31st, 2005

As of nearly midnight last night, the deed has been done. Our draft is completed and our rosters set. Yet another year of being in just one fantasy football league, but that is just fine by me.

This time last year I had already been told that I would not make the playoffs in our league. Only two teams would not make the playoffs. This year the pressure is on a little more. It would be nice to make the playoffs, but truth of the matter is that I actually do not care. I am not good enough at fantasy football and do not follow the season nearly as close as many. Here is the team as of draft day:

QB Daunte Culpepper
WR Drew Bennett
WR Anquan Boldin
RB Priest Holmes
RB Duce Staley
TE Todd Heap
WR/RB Chris Brown
K Adam Vinatieri
DEF Baltimore
WR Braylon Edwards
QB Chad Pennington
WR Donte' Stallworth
RB Justin Fargas

I had the fourth pick, which left me with Holmes. I did not want to take him, I was hoping he would go before me. Since he didn't, what choice did I have? It could be a mistake a) with his knee and b) with Larry Johnson scheduled to share touches, but I did what I had to do and took him with my first pick. Last year I took Clinton Portis with my first pick and that was a waste, so maybe I have some wiggle room. On top of that, my other two starting running backs are currently nursing injuries.

Getting Culpepper with my second pick was a big surprise. I did not expect him to fall back to me. I was excited. He was the sole reason I had any success at all last season. As much as I cannot stand that stupid dance he does, I hope to see it over and over (as he only does it after making a big play).

It is not a team without potential. This could be a very interesting year.

Bring it on!

Vacation Observation #3

August 28th, 2005

Apparently I am actually capable of sleeping like a normal person, just not when I am home. I slept well all week up north, but now back home I've had two nights when I couldn't fall asleep.

I guess it is better that I accept it and even embrace it. My next vacation will not be for a long time.

Vacation Observation #2

August 25th, 2005

If ever there was one who was good at this thing called "vacation", I think I am him. I feel there is an art to it; an art that I did not create, though I have made it my own.

I think I should like to do this full time, given the opportunity. Now all I need is said opportunity. Perhaps it is time that I began volunteering at senior centers. Maybe giving of my time will help me find my way. That way of course would be to get me a 90 year old girlfriend with a mountain of wealth to leave to no one but me, her trusty friend til the end. Oh how I'll miss her, truly I will love her so. I will think of her often as I sit on the porch, looking up from my book between chapters to take in the beauty of the vast expanse of water.

It has been good to cool my heels a little between semesters of school and projects at work. I definitely would like to do this at the close of each term. Who do I have to talk to about getting three weeks vacation around here?

Vacation Observation #1

August 24th, 2005

There is a fine line between getting away from your thoughts and being alone with them. Tread lightly.

August 21st, 2005
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
- Mahatma Gandhi