The Female Wingman or Wing(wo)man.

January 10th, 2005

Forget your old ways. The idea of having your buddy go with you to talk to a girl and/or her friends is outdated. Consider instead, the Wing(wo)man.

I witnessed this new concept in two different contexts this past Saturday night, one on my behalf and one on behalf of a girl we were with that night.

First, on my behalf this was how the wing(wo)man worked: There was a cute girl not too far from where we had chosen to put out the vibe. Ignore the post last week about talking to that girl, I have reverted to the ways of simple regret in my inability to approach the fairer gender. Though, in my defense, this girl clearly had a boyfriend. What do you ask would make me so sure of this? Nothing more than the touchy feely groping they let us enjoy free of charge...oh, and the kissing. Apparently my friends were oblivious to these goings on as they were trying to convince me that he was some schmuck (I knew that part!) who was anything but her boyfriend. Cue the Wing(wo)man. This girl just sauntered over to the object of my attention and her friends and probed, "I was wondering if you are dating someone." She replied that she is and the Wing(wo)man laughed a bit with the crowd before casually returning with the news.

A Wingman would have gone with me to chat her up a bit allowing my dignity to slip away with each passing moment as the rejection increased ever so exponentially. My Wing(wo)man prevented any such build up.

The Flip Side:

Time had come for the reality of the situation. It is always easier to act on behalf of someone else. I am on board with this ideal. Even I could most likely talk to a girl in a bar as long as I was doing so as agent for a friend. If I am setting them up for a friend to knock them down, the tables have turned. It is always more difficult to do it for yourself. My Wing(wo)man exhibited this Saturday. After she had saved any embarrassment I would have encountered had I actually ever planned on talking to that girl, she picked a guy out for herself. And never one to let an opportunity to slide, I took full advantage of ragging on her for holding up the wall when she could be over there talking to him. Instead of her making her move, another friend went into action. My Wing(wo)man had a Wing(wo)man (hereinafter Wing(wo)man2) of her own. What a concept! So Wing(wo)man2 goes to work and comes back after a bit and says, "Get over there, he wants to meet you." Incredible!

A guy and his Wingman would approach a girl in hopes of success. A girl sends her Wing(wo)man in ahead of time to preempt any rejection. The efficiency is mind boggling.

Go to the bar with your buddies, but never be too far from your Wing(wo)man. I am a believer.

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Truly random thoughts.

January 7th, 2005

This category is earning it's stripes today. Here are a jumble of the random thoughts I have had roughly over the past 12-24 hours. There, obviously were more, but these are the ones I remember. Sure I could have broken them apart and made separate posts for each one, but that would have been too much unnecessary work. Get over it.

Highlights:
Seeing Bob Seger on the Smooch Cam. (No need for you to read any more into that than it was cool to see a local celeb part take in a fun thing during a timeout.)

Deciding that I feel it is more of a duty than a desire to name my first born child Stromile. Yes, regardless of gender. What a sweet name! (Sure if it's a boy and he turns out to have 4 foot long arms and end up making millions in the NBA, I would not complain. I'll love him either way...probably.)

Lowlights:
Wendys has removed the Wild Mountain Chicken Sammich from their menu. (Though I just had the regular spicy sandwich and it was still great.)

For those of you who have seen me recently, I had that mop chopped off. I finally got my haircut. I think it had been something like 4 months since my last. "I never knew your hair was so curly." -Ken T. Barber. Let me ask you this, Ken...if that is your real name...You've cut my hair almost my entire life, if you've not seen it that curly, who do you think would have? If it had ever been long enough to be this curly in the past YOU would have cut it!!!

Sidelights:
How cool would it be to have a spot on whatever board it is that is responsible for rating movies. Think about it, you get to see every movie before it comes out. Months before it comes out. All you have to do after you watch it is say if you think there was too much swearing. I think I'm in the wrong business. (It would do wonders for movie review blog traffic.)

A sidelight to refer to lowlight #1. I would venture a guess that the Wild Mountain Chicken Sandwich was a popular endeavor for the good people at Wendys, though it is now gone. Here is my suggestion for a new treat: Spicy Chicken Nuggets. Whenever it was that Wendys changed their breaded chicken, both the regular and the spicy, they made the right change. Both are significantly improved. The new spicy is just right. Take that and cross-breed it with the 5-piece nuggets and I think we have a cash crop. Make it a limited time dealy. No need to roll it out permanently. Pilot test it, but let me in. Sure, I may not be the first to come up with this, may I say, ingenious idea, but I had it none the less.

I had to add one more. It was nice to see that the Sun Messengers cleaned up their act. Apparently I was not the only one who was surprised at their use of the word "retarded" over the loud speakers at Pistons games. Either they read privatjokr.com....(It could happen!)....or someone actually complained. Last night at the game they obviously played the same songs as they do every night. When "Let's Get it Started" came on, they played the whole thing clean.

"Shot Down in Motown", or "How She Said 'No'"

January 3rd, 2005

For those of you who know me, this is not news. If we've never met, consider this your first introduction into the mind of "Privatjokr": I do not do well talking to the fairer gender. I have more stories of regret from not talking to girls than many people you have met. Now, a surprise for you all: I talked to a girl today.

I maintain my position in that I still am unable to approach a girl to whom I have never spoken. I use the term "cold calling" as approaching a girl would be the same as picking up a phone to make a sales call. (I guess the scary part here is that I was at one point trying to get into sales...) The girl in question today was not a "cold call". She works retail in the men's clothing industry. I met her through buying some fancy new stuff to wear on my work trips. The background is boring and I know you all want me to get to the good part and skip to where I lost my dignity.

I said "dignity", knock it off.

So I went to her place of employ today during my lunch break to do something that I am not known for: to see if she might like to accompany me somewhere sometime. I'll take you there now.

"What do you want?" she asked, jokingly.
"Actually, I came in to see if I could take you to lunch."
: pause :
"Like a date?"

Ok, I have to interrupt here. You know in the cartoons where the two guys pop up on opposite shoulders? The angel and the devil? Well, at this point in the conversation, cue my two little guys.

"Like a date?"
"No, it's wardrobe consultant appreciation week..." quipped the devil.

Alas, the angel won.

"Like a date?"
"Yes, like a date."

If any of you know any cool HTML tags to show the brilliant shade of pink she turned at this point, I'm open to suggestions. (That is the only highlight from my perspective, but blushing doesn't get me a date.)

"I'm flattered, I wasn't expecting this. : pause : But, I have a boyfriend, I'm sorry."

I went on to tease her about how the older clientele she deals with probably does the same as I. I figure it is in her training. "Let him down gently then cross-sell the latest ties." (At least she was laughing, but laughing doesn't get me a date.)

"Maybe lunch as not a date?"
"Sure," I said as if we both meant it.

I feel bad for the poor bastard who is her boyfriend. I'm not sure anyone has ever apologized so much for being in a relationship. She honestly said she was sorry like four times. I hope it wasn't a reflection on him. I kid, I kid.

The moral of the story, however is a simple one. Lay your dignity on the floor in front of a girl and she is still able to end the conversation in the expected fashion, "I hope you still come in and see me for your clothes."

Girls are only after your commission.

Now I know that she most likely didn't mean it that way, but it makes for a better story if that is the picture I paint. Either way, I'm moving to the side of a mountain somewhere in Tibet. I would venture a guess that goats are more forgiving.

What a way to start the new year...

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It's official: Somebody hates me.

December 30th, 2004

So here's what happened. I was enjoying my 5 hour slumber, minding my own business. At one point I was conscious of my movement as I rolled over onto my stomach. My body was hence contorted in a horizontal ladder climbing pose if that helps you visualize. I had an arm over my head and a leg rotated up and out, bent at the knee. As I settled into the position described, I had a euphoric feeling that this position in which my body found itself was the position of legend. Try all I like, I would never find something so comfortable. Instead of any feeling of panic or anxiety over the fact that this would be my only chance for such luxury, I lost myself in the moment. My body melted into the mattress; I was one with my bed.

Though this sounds as if it were drawn out over time, the entire thing happened in a matter of merely one second.

The following second my alarm sounded...

NFL Week 16.

December 29th, 2004

What a week for football. 8 games decided by 3 points or less, one of which was in overtime. That and one game which came down to a final play, but there is more details on that coming up.

I offer my half-hearted congrats to Peyton Manning for setting the record for passing touchdowns in a season. As mentioned before, I like Peyton, but I idolize Dan Marino (previous holder of the record).

Controversy strikes! My apologies to the Chicago Bears for getting screwed out of the game against my Lions. The Bears lost the game 19-13, though on their final possession threw a pass to the end zone which was caught for what I would have considered a touchdown. I'm of the school of fan who awards touchdowns to receivers who catch the ball in the end zone by establishing possession and getting two feet in bounds. Apparently I am more lenient than the referees in that game.

The news in Detroit is that you will never make Lions fans happy. You lose and they (though used to it) are bitter. You win and they wish you'd lost for better draft position. I overheard a woman trying to explain to her young children that she was upset with the Lions for not taking a dive in that game in order to ensure a better draft pick. Do you think your 6 year old would really comprehend that idea? Is sandbagging for a draft pick a lesson you want to teach your child? Mind you I am not trying to tell her how to raise her children, but it did appear to be a silly conversation.

One more week. One week in which you will see most teams play like they did back in August. Starting QBs if they play at all will only play a series. Key players may take the week off to rest up for the playoffs. Only the few teams who are still in the hunt will actually play this weekend. For those of you who will be ending your fantasy season in week 17, have a stellar week. I'm glad our league ended when it did (Did I mention I won?).

December 28th, 2004
All books are divisible into two classes, the books of the hours, and the books of all time.
- John Ruskin

Last night at the Palace.

December 28th, 2004

It was nice to be in attendance for a Pistons win last night over anyone, but especially the Nets. For any of you who are actually New Jersey fans, first let me say how sorry I am for that fact, but also allow me to share this: Vince looked nasty last night. I think you'll be quite happy with his performance. The important thing, however, is that Half Man + Half Amazing still = a loss to the Pistons. He played very well and should have made you all proud until he quit. He "suddenly" got a cramp or something similar in what appeared to be his hamstring. Instead of taking his lumps and losing graciously he left the game and was worked on by the trainer for the last few minutes. Sure, he could actually have been hurt...maybe I'm biased, but it sure looked like he was fine until the proverbial nail was in the coffin.

Last season the Pistons were the first team to hold Jason Kidd scoreless at any point in his career. You may not agree, but I find some comfort in the fact that last night Kidd had 2 points. Each point represents made free throws he attempted as penalty to the Pistons for technical fouls. Take out some poor officiating and maybe Kidd goes scoreless again.

Enough about the actual game...I have a rant about Palace management.

I am not sure if it there was some special occasion at the Palace last night, but there appeared to be an unusual amount of handicapped people at the game. I saw one blind kid, a handful of mentally handicapped children and a large group of physically handicapped children (many in wheelchairs) lined the court to greet the Pistons at the beginning of the game with high-fives. That is merely a point of fact, I mean it with no ill intent. If this is the case, please explain to me why the house band (I believe their name is the Sun Messengers) decided it was a good time to play their Black Eyed Peas cover which cross-breeds the edited and unedited versions of the song "Let's Get it Started"? "Let's get it started, ha. Let's get retarded in here! Let's get it started, ha. Let's get retarded in here!" Maybe I'm too sensitive about that, but I felt it a little too inappropriate when I heard them play it at the game last week when I didn't see any handicapped attendees.

Some kid held up this sign, it was easily my favorite : "The Nets got Pist.on".

NFL Week 15.

December 22nd, 2004

Tom BradyWhat is worse than staying awake to try and watch the whole game and falling asleep with roughly 4.5 minutes left in a game where the team you want to lose falls apart and gives up an 11 point lead to lose in the final 4 minutes of the game? Nothing. Nothing is worse than that. No, not even nuclear winter. How do you like these apples: more posting about the Patriots...THEY LOST TO THE DOLPHINS! Brady's "errant pass"...you know, the one that BLEW THE GAME, at least opened the door for me to win my fantasy match up this week putting me in the championship this coming weekend. My thanks to miamidolphins.com for such appropriate photos.

Tom BradyI would think the big news this week is the injury. Terrell Owens underwent surgery today on his right ankle to repair ligament damage. Rumor has it he should be able to play from February 6 if the Eagles can get there. Unable to score points as they were this week will certainly not help them make it to the Super Bowl. Were they that shook up at T.O. getting hurt? I could show you a picture of his ankle injury...or another of Tom Brady getting sacked.

Do I have to address the Lions/Vikings game? Can't I just pretend it never happened? Is it so wrong to do that? Or can I just change the details in my memory? How is this for a change: In my version, Nick Harris (P) does NOT think the long snapper will get a "do-over" and actually tries to make a football play instead of waiting to get tackled THEN throws the ball. Was he serious? This is live, Nick. I know the Lions don't score many touchdowns, but when they do, it is customary to attempt the extra point. Sure, on the time previous they tried for a two point conversion (and succeeded), but now it's time to kick it. Yes blame the long snapper. It was a terrible snap that bounced to the holder (Harris), but do not give him the sole blame. Was this the first time this has happened in the history of the game? No. Teams actually practice the scenario of a missed snap. If you are not going to place the ball for the PAT try, then stand up and either try to run the ball or throw it into the end zone. I'm getting a little too worked up over here...

Peyton has moved up to now only 1 touchdown pass shy of tying Dan Marino's record set back in 1984. Hype Manning all you like, given the option between the two, I take Marino any day of the week. Sure I'm biased. Sure Dan Marino is my all-time favorite NFL player. I still think he did more with less and made it more fun to watch than Peyton does now.

Courtesy of Sportsline and (AP)Jaguars are holding press conferences to explain that their player was not actually intending to hurt Packers' receiver Robert Ferguson. Donovin Darius was fined $75,000 by the league for the hit pictured, which left Ferguson temporarily paralyzed. Reports say he regained feeling in his legs while being treated at the hospital. I am not meaning to make light of the situation when I point out that I believe this is why the league outlawed head tackling in the first place. I never want to see a player seriously injured, Ferguson is no exception. Hopefully his recovery will be full and timely.

It was truly a fun week football-wise. Steelers almost losing to the Giants, Patriots squandering an 11 point lead in 4 minutes, Falcons beating Carolina in OT, Lions' near comeback against the Vikings, did I mention the Pats/Dolphins game yet?

My question to you...

December 20th, 2004

Can you think of any better way...

...to embarrass your little sister?

I love you Lesley.

NFL Week 14.

December 16th, 2004

I can't wait. There is no point. Why hold off until the end when you can jump on the bandwagon and slander Jake Plummer for his "action" in week 14? Heckled by a fan after throwing another interception in this run away disaster of a season, Plummer decided he'd take matters into his own...finger.

Here, a comment on the Pats. Enjoy it...
The Patriots made many of their supporters doubters in week 14 by giving up 28 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. People who were earlier on the New England fan bus are now questioning the Pats ability to defend.

In related news more and more people are turning their heads to the Steelers as Super Bowl favorites. The credit is not going to Ben Roethlisberger. The credit isn't going to anyone actually. I am not sure if anyone cares who gets the credit, as long as someone is picking up the slack. Game in game out that is the motto in Pittsburgh. Good for them.
I still like the Eagles come Super Bowl time.

Giants continue to let Eli lose. Some people are complaining, they want Warner back in the lineup. My words to them are simple and few, "Joey Harrington."

I did find the best place to watch Monday Night Football (details may or may not come in a later post) and it was actually a fun game to watch...kinda. I was going to comment on the two teams playing without their stars, but can we even call McNair the star Quarterback in Tennessee anymore? I didn't think so either.